They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
