Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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