My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
