I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
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you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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