Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
