Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
