Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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