dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
