I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
