I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
