I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
