I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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