you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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