I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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