I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
