so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
