you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
