you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?