I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
