I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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