If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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