it was like his penis was on wheels.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!