Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
