Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???