I just saw a hot homeless man
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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