I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
