Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
