today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
