the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
