Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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