I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
