You don't have asthma, your pregnant
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
