I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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