I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
