I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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