I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
