she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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