They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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