I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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