my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
