you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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