Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
