He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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