Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm jealous of your bromance
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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