Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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