Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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