I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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