She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
