did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
