Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
