I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
