My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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