so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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