Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
