Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
