Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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