I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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