if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
