I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She's the barista slut.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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